Self-care is any deliberate action done with the intention to preserve or improve one's health. With the acknowledgment of mental health and wellness by younger generations in society today, self-care has become a household name. For the past few years, I've battled with the idea that focusing on myself would make me selfish. But is self-care really considered selfish? Continue reading to learn about my journey to taking the "selfish" out of self-care.
When I was about 17 years old, my anxiety was at an all-time high. Heart palpitations were a daily occurrence, my nerves were on edge, and I was no stranger to a panic attack. It was an extremely difficult year in my life and you never would have known it just by looking at me. I did a great job at seeming like everything was okay but in reality, it wasn't. My anxiety eventually got so bad that one day I had to be rushed to the emergency room. I had literally stressed myself into a hospital bed. That day I made a promise to myself to never get to that point again. I couldn’t get to that point again. No amount of compassion was worth my mental and physical health. My love for others and constant willingness to be everyone's "go-to person" was not worth my sanity. At a point, I had to be honest with myself and admit that there was no way I would be able to be there for everyone else without being there for myself first.
Now, you might be wondering, "Why would you let things get so extreme?" Trust me, I still ask myself the same question 3 years later. The harsh reality was that I was so concerned with carrying everyone else's baggage and assisting in other people's problems that I never made time for myself. I was constantly dealing with everyone else's issues and putting my own on the back burner out of fear of seeming selfish. Can you believe that? I ended up in the hospital all because I didn't want to seem "selfish!" As crazy as it sounds, I'm sure many of you know exactly what I mean. I eventually got fed up. I got tired of being mentally and emotionally drained. Enough was enough. So I decided that if prioritizing my mental and physical health made me "selfish" then hey! You could've called me Selfish Sally because that’s exactly what I was going to do.
I know how ridiculous this all may sound if you don't understand where I'm coming from. Why would it be selfish to attend to my health? How is taking care of myself considered selfish? Well, a great deal of my built-up stress stemmed from my immense care for others and a lack of boundaries. It's safe to say I was born an empath. For as long as I can remember, I've wanted to help people. I would do anything to fix a situation and put a smile on someone's face. While this is an amazing trait to have as it allows me to be in tune with people's emotions, put myself in their shoes, and show immense compassion; on the downside, I tend to take on others' pain, often at my own expense. It's truly a blessing and a curse.
Saying that being an empath affected my ability to set boundaries would be an understatement. There was a time when I couldn't fix my lips to say the word "no". Now that I'm writing this I find it laughable but at the time it was something I really struggled with. I was a yes woman. When I started to accept that it was okay to say no to things and that doing so was in no way selfish, I realized that self-care is far more complex than bubble baths and face masks. Self-care can be physical, mental, emotional, psychological, social and even spiritual. It's being able to say "I won't let you speak to me like that" "I don't feel comfortable with this" or "I don't appreciate it when you..." It's standing firm on the boundaries you set, not allowing others to walk all over you, and it's definitely knowing when, and how, to say "no".
Another huge source of my stress was the misconception that focusing on myself would make me a bad person. In many ways, the society we live in has perpetuated the false narrative that if we aren't giving 110% to everyone else all the time, we're the bad guy. We must let people take and take and take from us or we're not considered a "good friend". To be frank, anyone who prioritizes what you can do for them and how much you give over your well-being doesn't care about you as much as you think they do. There's a quote I love that says, "If you're a giver, learn your limits because the takers don't have any". It's absolutely true. People who truly love you will never make you feel guilty for prioritizing your health. However, not everyone has your best interest in mind so it's extremely important that you do. You will come across people in life who will want to benefit from everything you have to offer without ever picking up the phone to ask how you are. Beware of those people. Those aren't your people.
Over the past few years, I've become very serious about prioritizing my peace, and practicing self-care is a large part of that. So, what exactly can self-care do for us? And how can we incorporate it into our lives? Basically, self-care could be what stands between you and a mental breakdown. It could easily be the reason a good day doesn't turn into a bad one. Don't get me wrong, self-care will not fix every problem you may be dealing with, but it can definitely aid in alleviating and coping with the daily stressors of life. I recommend setting aside time for self-care consistently. I personally like to reserve Sunday's solely for ME. While I'm currently studying away from home, I like to use my Sundays for activities such as: washing my hair, putting on a face mask, listening to music, tuning into virtual church, catching up on shows, reading, calling home, and preparing my schedule for the upcoming week. Setting aside this time to relax and decompress gives me something to look forward to each week. Growing up in a Christian household, I was already used to Sunday being my Sabbath (day of rest) so making it my designated day to "recharge" felt the most natural and logical to me. However, you can set aside whichever day is most convenient for you. I also think it's important to keep self-care in mind at all times. Simple things like taking frequent breaks while you work, winding down before bed, or jamming to some music while you get ready in the morning can boost your serotonin. Make self-care a part of your daily routine.
Practicing self-care in various forms is vital to mental health and in turn, physical health, especially as we are currently living through a pandemic. It shouldn't have taken a trip to the hospital for me to realize how important self-care is, but life has a funny way of teaching us lessons through rude awakenings. There's nothing wrong with being there for others as long as it doesn't jeopardize your health. You can be the go-to person and still know when to admit you need someone to go to. It's all about balance. So light that candle. Take that nap. Workout. Book that flight. Apply that face mask. Set boundaries. Say "no". Cancel those plans. Go to sleep early. Binge watch that show. Read that book. Listen to that playlist. Go to therapy. Take the day off. Do whatever you need to do to feel like your best self and don't feel guilty about it. Self-care is not selfish. In fact, it's essential because when we take care of ourselves mentally and physically, we can take better care of others and overall feel better to take on life. After all, in the words of the great Lauryn Hill,
"How you gon' win when you ain't right within?"
Peace, love, and gratitude always,
Kim
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